The Worst Cookbook Ever - Utterly Hilarious!

Mom has lots of cookbooks at her home in Maine, where I have been over Christmas. She uses most of them, and got rid of all the ones she doesn't use...with the exception of one. The book looks like it's been used for decades, with dust jacket torn and taped back together, but actually Mom never cooked a single recipe from the book. She kept is because it's the worst cookbook ever, and it's utterly hilarious!

The book is called "Cooking With a Light Touch, Recipes and Party Plans from a Palm Beach Hostess" by Zoe Shippen, and it's a cookbook featuring recipes with bananas, tomatoes, avocados, papaya, guava and pineapple. The ingredients aren't bad, it's what Shippen did with them that made the book so memorable. How about some Tomato Banana Souffle?

Mom was lucky enough to meet the author around the time the book came out in the 1960s, but it was Dad who really got an idea of how dreadful the book was when he was invited to a luncheon featuring dishes from Shippen's book. Dad really didn't like bananas. The poor man, I can see him sitting there trying to be polite while trying not to hurl, but the story adds to the gales of laughter every time we pull out the book.

There are also tips about throwing parties, such as the "Ladies' Bridge Luncheon, Palm Beach Style" - guaranteed to raise an eyebrow among even the people least dedicated to feminism. Needless to say, I covet this book because it's so bad, it's great. It looks well used because Mom pulled it out every time she wanted to show her friends the worst cookbook ever and make them laugh.

Of course, the designation of "Worst Cookbook Ever" is unofficial and up for debate. So, weigh in: what's your worst cookbook ever and why?

Happy Thanksgiving, Northeast by Northwest

Thanksgiving isn't always about turkey for me. I only have turkey maybe once every few years. This year I had Maine lobster. I had to drive over to Om Seafood Market in Southeast Portland to pick up the live lobsters today, but it was so worth it!

Our family traveled to Maine every summer for several generations, so Lobster has a special place in my heart. I think about it when I'm missing Mom, who lives in Maine. So, this year's theme was Northeast by Northwest.

Of course we have several hilarious lobster stories, but none as funny as a debate among friends a few years ago. How long should you cook a lobster? I felt 10 to 12 minutes would be perfect for a 1 & 1/2 point lobster, partly because I googled the information and got a good idea about the cooking time.

A couple of our friends felt it should be more than 20 minutes, and they were getting a little heated about the whole thing. So, I resolved to cook most of the lobsters for 12 minutes, leaving the other two for the friends to pull when they were happy about how long they had cooked-- more than 20 minutes!! Oy vey. I had a bad feeling about what would happen next.

Sure enough, as we all sat around the dinner table enjoying our lobsters, our friends seemed dismayed. Their lobsters were very chewy, like rubber. Maybe they should've listened. Cooking lobster is not difficult, but it's still serious business! Needless to say, I cooked my twin 1 & 1/2 pounders for 12 minutes today. They were perfect. I saved the shells and bodies to make stock.

My Thanksgiving Day feast seemed untraditional to some folks, but was it really? Historical accounts suggest lobster was present at the first Thanksgiving celebration in New England, so maybe having lobster was really a return to our roots. I liked doing something different, especially since it was actually part of our American heritage. 

steamed mussels in garlic, tomato and white wine

Usually I only eat mussels in the summer, when Mom is visiting from Maine and we dine at places like Andina, Higgins and Jake's in Portland. I have made mussels once or twice, and now that I have sampled some of Portland's best, I felt like making them for dinner.

Ingredients

3 T olive oil
1 shallot, sliced
1 fennel bulb, sliced thin
2 cloves garlic, peeled and mashed open
1 can diced tomatoes
1 cup white wine
sprigs of fresh thyme
salt and fresh ground black pepper to taste
1 lb. fresh mussels in the shell, cleaned and beards removed (I used Penn Cove, WA, mussels)
3 T chopped parsley

Heat oil in a large, deep pan. Add shallot, fennel, garlic and sauté until tender. Season with salt and pepper, add tomatoes, white wine and bring to a boil. Add mussels to the pan, reduce heat and cover, letting the mussels steam until they open, about 3 minutes. Toss in the chopped parsley, stir mussels with tomatoes and broth, and serve with garlic bread. Dinner for one, or an appetizer for two. :)

Just as good as any restaurant- a luxurious, easy to prepare dish that won't break the bank. I'm sure I'll make mussels again before summer.

random thoughts on Shepherd's Pie

I lived away from home in high school, but never ate the Shepherd's Pie. It was on the dining hall menu often, but I really wasn't sure what it was, and it wasn't one of the things Mom made back home. Little did I realize it was just another casserole. I grew up on casseroles.

A few years ago, I made my first Shepherd's Pie. It was a standard recipe, like many of the ones you can find online, but it was a little bland. Although I do not make Shepherd's Pie often, I like to try something new each time. When I finally nail it, I'll write down what I did.

Last night's was the best yet. I loosely followed Alton Brown's recipe using onion, garlic, Worcestershire sauce, rosemary and thyme as seasonings. I used a bag of mixed frozen veggies with the carrots included, rather than using fresh carrots. I also used beef rather than lamb. I didn't have tomato paste, so I used a squirt of ketchup. It worked with the rosemary, thyme and garlic, adding a hint of sweetness and richness to the sauce, which was thickened with a sprinkle of flour over the cooked beef.

The mashed potatoes were a big improvement. I had about a cup of leftover Walla Walla sweet onion cheese dip, made a few days earlier with chopped Walla Walla onions, cheddar, parmesan and mayonnaise. The dip was baked and served as a hot dip, and it had the lovely aroma of caramelized sweet onions and bubbly, golden browned sharp cheddar.

As much as I liked the dip, I wasn't sure I would eat any more of it as a dip, so, I added it to the potatoes, along with a little butter and milk. It was superb-- a great way to give the mashed potatoes flavor. Will have to remember that trick.  

Beef and Bean Skillet Enchilada Dip

It's not gourmet, it's not healthy, but I love it anyway. Based on a recipe I saw online somewhere, I mixed it up a bit by adding pinto beans, green onion and some taco seasoning, making it a bit lighter by reducing the amount of beef. You could lighten it up even more by using ground turkey rather than beef.

Ingredients
1 lb. ground beef
3 green onions, chopped, white separated from green
15 oz. can pinto beans, drained
20 oz. can enchilada sauce
3T taco seasoning
1 cup shredded cheddar jack cheese

Brown beef in a cast iron skillet, draining any excess fat. Add the white batch of chopped green onion, pinto beans and taco seasoning, stir and sauté for a minute or two. Add enchilada sauce, bring to a boil, stirring frequently, then reduce heat and cook for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally, and after ten minutes turn off heat, sprinkle half the green onions over top, sprinkle cheese over top, and remaining green onions over the cheese. Cover and let cheese melt, about 5 minutes. Serve with plenty of tortilla chips and margaritas or cold beer!

The original recipe called for more beef, no beans, no green onion and no taco seasoning. I reduced the amount of beef, adding pinto beans in its place. I also used very lean beef, which didn't need to be drained after browning. The enchilada sauce was a bit bland the first time I tried the recipe, so I added salsa the second time. Better, but not quite. The taco seasoning was just the ticket.

I thought the dish needed some green, so I finished it with a little chopped green onion. I liked my remix even better than the original, but the best thing about it was how adaptable the recipe was. I will try it with ground turkey, and maybe I'll figure out a vegetarian spin. Super easy, totally delicious, and potentially not too unhealthy. :)

forget about pumpkin spice

You know the pumpkin spice craze has gone a little too far when there are pumpkin spice Oreos and pumpkin spice condoms.

Nabisco hopping on the pumpkin spice bandwagon

what next? cranberry flavored with UTI protection? (you heard it here first!)

Enough, already. I've had it with the pumpkin spice craze, and don't need to be a sucker for Starbucks' or anyone else's marketing. Fall is in the crisp, cooler air, not in an overpriced, fattening coffee drink. A venti (20 oz.) Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte has 470 calories, 140 calories from fat, and contains no pumpkin whatsoever. Several years ago, a friend who worked at Starbucks had a large jug of the pumpkin spice. It was pasty, processed and orangey-brown-- disgusting. I deserve a better fall coffee drink. We all do.

The other day I discovered Marley Coffee beans, and this morning was thinking of having a cup with a little brown sugar. Sadly, I didn't have any brown sugar, but I did have molasses. So I added a little molasses and milk. Voila, the solution for a fall coffee drink that doesn't include the words pumpkin or spice. A tablespoon of molasses has 58 calories, and there are 31 calories in a quarter cup of 2% milk. If I wanted to get fancy, I could easily make it into a latte using my trusty Bodum milk frother. Would I sprinkle the top with pumpkin spice? Probably not, but maybe some good cocoa powder. Such a rebel!

So there you have it, Marley Coffee with molasses and milk. Something a little different, with an equally rich but far less obvious fall flavor. Now why didn't Starbucks think of that?

dilly bean dog

It may sound silly,

but this dog needs some dilly.

Ran out of pickles?

No need to be fickle!

Use dilly beans.

You'll see what I mean. 

Copycat Recipe: Whole Foods Smoked Salmon Spread

I enjoy Whole Foods smoked salmon spread, but it's a little pricey. So, I searched online for copycat recipes, and found one that worked perfectly. Of course, I made a couple modifications, but it was just as good and a lot less expensive. Here's the recipe:

8 oz. cream cheese, softened at room temperature
2T chopped capers
2T chopped dill
2T chopped red onion
1t lemon zest
8 oz. smoked salmon, broken up by hand and picked over for bones
salt and pepper, to taste

Mix all ingredients together in a bowl using a wooden spoon until combined. Serve with crackers. I enjoyed mine with a Lemon Drop Martini. Try it, you'll like it!

kale-eating hipster

So, I have been trying other markets lately. Long story, but Bales Marketplace in Cedar Mill (97229) was allowing the Starbucks employees to use the grocery carts to wash filthy floor mats, and it skeeved me out, big-time. Anywho, I'm trying all the other markets in the area. Today, I went to Safeway, and spotted this kale snack - Brad's Raw Crunchy Kale - in several different flavors. There was naked, vampire (with garlic) and nasty hot with jalapeño and vegan cheese.

I stood there for a minute looking at them, thought, "...nah, I'm not a kale-eating hipster..." and walked away. Almost got in line at the check-out, but there was a speed challenged person ahead of me, so I went back and found a package of the kale. You got it, I went for the nasty hot. Was so curious, I opened it on the way home. Now, it's not even 11AM, and I have eaten 2/3rds of it.

Ridiculously delicious. It's vegan, kosher, gluten free, and organic. Usually, that would mean there would be no chance I'd ever like it. Surprise, surprise-- love it! So, call me a kale-eating hipster if you like. I don't care. I love Brad's Nasty Hot Raw Crunchy Kale! Product info, click here.

Pizza Night!

Much of the time I'm lazy and get Papa Murphy's. But not tonight. I made hand tossed, thin crust pizza! The first one was mushrooms with marinara, mozzarella and parmesan. Very easy, even though it takes a bit of time. First I make the dough, yeast, a bit of sugar and lukewarm water, then about 3 cups of flour. Let it proof, the longer the better. While that's happening, sautee some mushrooms in butter and olive oil with some fresh thyme, and make some marinara with sautéed onion, canned tomatoes, herbs and spices.

Preheat your oven to 500 degrees with a pizza stone in the oven. When everything's ready, roll s fist-sized piece of dough flat, as flat as could be, and place it on a pizza paddle with cornmeal. Make sure it slides, so it will slide off when the time is right. top with marinara, mushrooms, mozzarella and parmesan, and bake for 8 minutes. You will get a crispy, golden brown pizza - most satisfying pie you'll ever eat.

Trust me, you'll want more. Caramelize some onions and use those as the base. Top with moxxarella, goat cheese and parmesan. Same baking time - 8 minutes - divine!

If you don't have a pizza stone and have never tried making pizza at home, I think you're really missing out. I love thin crust pizza, and even if I eat two whole pizzas, it's less food and way more satisfying than three slices of Papa Murphy's. Try it, you'll like it!

Delicious Veggie Tart

Every once in a while someone posts a delicious looking recipe on Facebook, and even more rarely I'll try it. Recently my friend Siobhan posted this veggie tart recipe, and today I gave it a try.

Delicious!

The tart has roasted vegetables-- eggplant, zucchini, peppers, roasted garlic, fresh basil, thyme and oregano, mozzarella and parmesan. The recipe also includes instructions for making the crust, but I cheated and used a ready-to-bake crust. It was easy, didn't take too long, and was really good!

Click here for the recipe.

Kale Yeah!

It's all about balance, right? Well, after a weekend of "Die Happy" burgers, I'm still alive and craving something a little lighter. It also happens to be one of Lulu's favorite treats- Kale!

Oh yes, my crazy feral rescue cat loves it more than meat. The funny thing is she seemed to be addicted to bacon when I first got her, but now she doesn't like bacon at all.

If I have kale in the fridge, she will not allow me to go anywhere near the fridge without stalking me. I'll tear off a little piece, and she'll gobble it up! She gets up on her hind legs and begs for it, swiping at it with her paw to get it away from me. Poor thing hates it when I ruin the kale by tossing it in a sauté pan with a little canola oil, fresh ginger and garlic- my favorite way to prepare it.

Some people joke about kale- it's such an Oregon, paleo, healthy-hipster kind of thing, and I think it sometimes gets a bad rap because too many yucky looking green smoothies have been made out of it. Call us old-fashioned, but Lulu and I prefer kale in more of a whole form. 

the "Die Happy" burger

Sometimes a scrawny burger just won't do. I call this the "Die Happy" burger. If I die of a heart attack, I'll die happy. Nothin' special, just 12 ounces of Angus grilled to perfection, with crispy pepper bacon, pickled jalapeños, melted Tillamook cheddar, and Stubbs spicy barbecue sauce on a toasted sesame seed bun. Tall beer on the side, and I'm considering getting a DNR tattoo on my chest. 

have a schmeer!

My apologies for not posting here in a while. I have been on a semi-hiatus from this blog, but still blogging about the quilts over at Wonkyworld. In case you have not heard the great news, I am writing a book. It's about quilts, not food, but maybe it will be food for thought!

I love living in Portland, but Portlanders really don't get the whole bagel thing. First time I went in to a bagel shop was just after I moved here in 1998. There was a sign on the wall that said "We NEVER boil our bagels!" I was perplexed, so I flagged down the owner, pointed to the sign and asked "Why??"

"Because it makes them tough," she replied, in kind of a snooty little voice. I was horrified! Oregon has some of the most gorgeous salmon you will ever see. When a friend saw this photo today on Facebook, she thought maybe I had Photoshopped it. Oh no, that's its real color. I said, "Oregonians may be pale, but our salmon isn't!"

The other thing Oregonians don't seem to get is the concept of the "schmeer". There's nothing worse than getting a bagel with cream cheese applied sparingly, like butter. You have to slather it on for it to be a true schmeer. Baby capers are required if you're going to make me happy, and lightly toasted, sesame bagel please! By the way, this bagel was open faced only for the picture. You have to mash it together and eat it like a sandwich for it to be the real deal.

OK, that's all for now. I'll be back...sometime...

Ina Garten's French Onion Soup

Best French Onion Soup ever. It's a boozy soup, with brandy, sherry and wine. I cheat a little by using red wine rather than white, to achieve a deeper color. If you cook it long enough and use beef stock, it loses most of its red color and becomes a rich brown. I also tweaked the recipe by adding a crouton of cubed, rustic day-old bread and gruyere, broiled. For the original recipe, click here.

sautee sliced onions in butter with a pinch of sugar

the onions will caramelize, browning and releasing their natural sugars

it takes a while, so keep the temperature in check and stir often 

my favorite part, add the booze

after adding more booze, red wine, and beef stock

delicious served hot

or my favorite way, with a rustic bread and gruyere crouton

melty-melty, under the broiler

I have made this recipe many times, and it always hits the spot. Freezes well, too. Every Ina Garten recipe I have ever tried was good. Among other favorites, her berry brioche summer pudding was delectable, and her egg salad with dill was simply delicious. I love the Barefoot Contessa!

what bottle did you pop?

This was supposed to be my New Year's Day post, but I'm late. Didn't have much to say, except Happy New Year! This year I enjoyed Perrier-Jouet Grand Brut. Lovely, although lately I am just as happy with prosecco.

What bottle did you pop on New Year's Eve?